i've not been on here in a long ass time and i'm fucked up.
fuck guys that use you, fuck guys that play the fucking game, fuck guys fuck guys fuck guys.


THEY
ARE
SHIT

Symptoms of Dysthymia Are the Same as Those of Major Depression and Include:

* Difficulty sleeping
* Loss of interest or the ability to enjoy oneself
* Excessive feelings of guilt or worthlessness
* Loss of energy or fatigue
* Difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions
* Changes in appetite
* Observable mental and physical sluggishness
* Thoughts of death or suicide


basically.

pointless drama.
girls going on about how i've gotten onto them about liking set your goals for two weeks, which i haven't said anything to them about it that was even a little mean, i only said it was strange that i talked to them about set your goals sometime back during the school year and they had no idea who they were, and now it's their favorite band.. poor girls, making themselves look bad. don't care though, i'm done with drama. just wanna chill.

on another note, i'm sad, as always.
can't seem to find my happy place.


"she was born to be the woman we could blame."

immaturity is the act of compromising yourself in an unhealthy relationship.

this isn't rocket science and for damn sure isn't a new revelation.
such a simple concept yet how many people do we know constantly repeat the cycle of, "man, why do my friends only go for crazy mother fucking girls?"
this leads to a few conclusions; either A, our friends are not as intelligent as we would like to think, or B, our friends are just as emotionally fucked as the people they are dating.
(because who you date is a direct reflection of who you are, what you find attractive, what you find acceptable, what you're willing to put up with and what you're willing to be subjected to.)

maybe it's you that i'm talking about. maybe you are the moron who continually makes excuses for your boy/girlfriend. maybe it's you that perpetuates this cycle that continues to let shitheads go unchallenged. maybe it's you that secretly knows that this person isn't worth your love yet you continually chase after that one night he kissed you goodnight under streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a livejournal post about, "how amazing and perfect he is."
but he'll never kiss you like that again, and despite all attempts of re-living that night, he will perpetually disappoint. Because that night, despite all good judgment, you idealized. You see these people as the end all be all of love, when in reality, we are simply flawed boys and girls. we refuse to see faults and flaws when most of us are smart enough to know that no one comes wrapped in a little yellow bow and that none of us shit strawberry ice cream.

so, why do we continually fall for the same shitty boy and the shitty girl rouse?
well, that butterfly feeling in your stomach is your worst enemy. that is the feeling love makes when it's storming the castle wall of common sense. that's what it feels like when someone's smile has gotten the best of you and conned you into thinking that he/she is everything you've ever wanted. and that's where we go wrong, because that's when we believe that someone can 'complete' us.

true love is when we complete ourselves, anything less is giving in, trading down and selling out.
true love is when we are mature enough to say, "no. no thank you," to someone who, despite how they glow under the moonlight, forgets to call the next day.
(p.s. No one ever really 'forgets', its just a sign that they don't care as much as you would like to think they do).
to say, "no, fuck you," to the cute little boy who continues to string you along and break your heart.
true love is knowing who, not only genuinely deserves, but is willing and excited to treat our love in a manner in which it deserves.
true love is not giving time to shitty boys and shitty girls because we know we are better than that.
true love is knowing the difference between someone completing us and someone 'complimenting' us.

true love is someone who will not eclipse our glow, only enhance it.

and it‘s the desperation to hold on to something that can‘t be held on to.
so, don‘t waste your time filling up my words..
don‘t tell me why, assume the worst.


ZING!

i'm depressed, honestly.
someone help me.

i've not felt like this in a long while, and the one person that was always there to help, isn't there and even if they were, they wouldn't help. i have no idea what to think or how to feel anymore. i may look happy, but deep down i know i'm not. everything is falling apart or has already it's just taking me a while to notice. i've not wanted to post in my lj this bad, ever. i feel like it's my only escape. even though i won't get a response, at least my words are written and someone may read them. i need help, really. i don't want to get like i was a couple of years ago. angry all the time, and never having anyone to talk to. i wanna be happy again, happy like i was last year. i want my best friend back, and i want to be able to trust them again. i'm not going to live with regrets, but sometimes, i really wish i could change things in the past. i hate crying more than anything but i find myself crying a lot lately, even though i should be happy, now. i have chris back, but how can i automatically just forget everything that happened and be truly happy again? it's impossible. those thoughts consume my mind the majority of the time. i hate being lied to, so much. i don't want to trust anyone ever again, it's a waste, you end up losing that trust eventually anyway.

rant rant rant.

i am quite possibly in the weirdest mood of all time.

it's five in the morning and i'm listening to john and ziggy read to each other from their journal's. it's kinda inspiring me to keep a journal of my own. that's completely off subject though. the real reason i'm typing this right now is because my feeling's are completely screwed to hell. i have no idea what to think anymore. the only person in this world that i have ever trusted, i can't trust anymore. i don't know whether or not to rejoice because we're back together, or to regret it, because of how much he has hurt me. this isn't the first time i've not been able to trust chris, but it's a lot worse than last time. i have no idea who to believe. he liked another girl for a short period of time while we were together, "in love". i've never felt so used in my life. i love chris more than anything in this world, and he's my first real boyfriend. he's taken so much from me that i can't get back. while we were broken up, i regretted so much, for two and a half weeks all the mistakes i made while we were dating haunted me while i was alone. now, i'm not sure why. sure, i would be a bitch or a little mean sometimes, but i did a lot for him that most girls wouldn't. plus, i'm the only drug free not whore that he's ever gonna get his hands on. but i gotta say, i like how me and him are now. after getting back together everything seems different. when i put everything he did to me in the back of my head and not think about it, and when i just think about all of the good times we had together, everything's okay. i wanna go to the park with him, though, like we used to. walk the trails and talk and be cute. i miss how we used to be, but i kinda think that's how we are now. it's like i've fallen in love with him all over again. i wish i could just completely forget all the bad, and only remember the good, and maybe everything would be okay. i really wish he'd just talk to me, though, more than anything. anytime i bring up him liking "her" he just blows it off, or gets upset. i don't like having these thoughts in my head about what they could have done, i just wish i could know the truth, or maybe he'd say sorry and everything would just be okay. but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. i hate time.. but it's good to know that eventually, i'll forget about all of this, and i'll be truly happy with chris. i've really changed for him.. the jealous me is gone, or most of it, and the mean me is definitely just disappearing.. every time i even THINK we're going to argue.. i blow it off and just say sorry. i wish he'd change for me, not him, just some of the things he does. it's really untelling what all he's lied to me about. makes me think a lot, before bed, in the shower, or just having any alone time to myself.. that's all i do, think about him and all of the lies. i really don't think i deserved any of this. i've never done anything to hurt chris. sure, i've lied, but it was little stuff, nothing to get upset over. everyone lies at some point, but you do NOT like someone else and possibly do something with someone else, while you're in love with another person, at least have the fucking decency to say "it's over, i found someone else" or some bull shit. haha, i guess i'm getting a little upset now. over all of this, and over everything and everyone else, i love chris. he's honestly the only person i've encountered in all my years, that has really made me happy or feel wanted. my family has always had problems, all families do, i just feel like mine's got it worse, i'm sure everyone does. i had therapy for the longest time over my mom and my dad. then, chris came into my life and made everything better. lame, i know, but it's the truth. i just wish we could be together all the time, then everything would be okay.

no lies, just love.

so much. :(
i hate this more than anything.

chris doesn't want to be with me anymore.
i dunno
i just have one of those weird ass feelings
but it really seems like it sometimes.


ehh..

hey.